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April 4, 2006


When I cannot sleep at night, it is generally the result of words or sentences cycling through my brain. For example, last week I stared at the ceiling for hours with the years 1860, 1890 and 1905 repeating over and over again because that was what I had been studying. Last year at this time, school data would cloud my brain so thickly that I could barely close my eyes. It is hard for me to put away my worries, though I have been more successful in recent years. On good days, I take a deep breath and push the anxiousness to a far away place. On bad days, it creeps back into my consciousness during moments of stillness and sometimes the weight of its presence nearly suffocates me.

Someone once posted this comment to my site: "What public perception are you attempting to cultivate? Is there any sentiment you keep for yourself?" I did not fully understand the person�s point, as it was a response to me wishing Alexis a happy birthday, but something must have stuck with me, as shortly thereafter I took a break from writing truly personal entries. Regardless, I have always found that writing out my emotions has helped me ease them. Releasing thoughts into the wilds of the interweb can often feel cleansing�an easy way to purge ones mind anonymously. Or, in my case, probably anonymous to about 50%.

So, sleeping has been hard these days. There are numbers and words and cycling thoughts. There are scenarios and situations and what ifs and probably nots. The fact of the matter is that a month ago my doctor discovered a lump on my left breast. I have been waiting for weeks to get an ultrasound and the anxiety has been damn near unbearable. Family and friends assure me that everything will be fine and I believe them. Still, the unease sucks my breath away and invades my thoughts when I am careless enough to let my mind wander. There is so much more that I could say about this but I will not.

Hopefully, I will have an answer soon.

Posted by callalillie at April 4, 2006 1:54 AM | Introspect


I remember that poster, and I was so angry at him. I even left an angry comment about it. I'm so glad that his negativity didn't stop you from sharing your feelings to whomever and however you want. If I might guess, he is likely deeply envious of your ability to open up to others, and in turn have such meaningful relationships. If it bothers him, he should stop reading your blog and keep his comments to himself. Meanwhile, your blog community clearly appreciates your candor and honesty and will be there for you for through things like this. You are very brave to share this post. I will be thinking of you tonite. Love, Kar

Posted by: kar at April 4, 2006 9:07 PM

you don't know me but i'm delurking to wish you the best with your ultrasound. Your blog has brought me so much pleasure -- i look forward to reading your thoughts, seeing the great photography and of course, the great cat photos (go irving!). Don't stop writing and don't censor yourself because of one idiot. The world needs more Callalillie.

Posted by: jill at April 4, 2006 10:39 PM

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Hopes. Wishes.

Posted by: bill at April 4, 2006 11:01 PM

delurking and here via post-hip chick. just wanted to say that i hope your worries are eased soon. i completely understand that medical-related anxiety. it sometimes takes over me completely. just remember that stress is horrible for our bodies/minds. i hope everything resolves itself... i am sure it will :)

Posted by: leyla at April 4, 2006 11:30 PM

oh, that must be so scary. especially with everything that is coming up for you.

when can you get the ultrasound?

i'll be thinking of you, all good thoughts.

Posted by: phc at April 5, 2006 12:15 AM

Yeah, I remember that tool of a poster too. I remember thinking for a while to try and understand exactly what kind of asshole you have to be to post that kind of crap here. I went through an unfortunately too-long mental list of asshole-types and couldn't come up with it. But I did discover that counting types of assholes is much better at putting me to sleep than counting sheep, so that may be useful with your recent bouts of insomnia. Don't let that ass-munch get you down. If you let him get to you then the terrorists win...

Posted by: Dave at April 5, 2006 1:58 AM

Yes, don't let some idiot who doesn't have a clue cause you to censor yourself. If he doesn't want to read what you have to say, he doesn't have to stop by your blog.

I enjoy your posts about the city and your life. While I would not want to live there, it is fascinating to read about it and see your picts about it.

Posted by: euclid at April 5, 2006 5:48 AM

amazing. i had a similar experience on my blog but it wasn't due to commenting by anyone online. in my regular work life someone brought up something personal that i had blog and that's where the censorship began. until then i was free flowing and really enjoying the writing. i'm trying again now but that little voice is aways telling me to be careful and careful is not necessary interesting and definitely not the catharsis that i sometimes need.

i haven't been here long. just long enough to say keep writing...

Posted by: stacia at April 5, 2006 9:36 AM

Good luck, Corie. Fingers crossed for good news.

This post made me think (again, because I have thought of this a lot lately) of the phrase that "we are victims of our own minds" and the subsequent torment and anxiety as a result, but how a virile mind is also the reason we also have all of the great thoughts and ideas and conversations that make our lives significant.

Posted by: yp at April 5, 2006 9:39 AM

This is quite odd. I've been reading your blog anonymously since we do not know each other for about 3 months. I just posted an little about my own experience the past week with this exact thing. I had an ultrasound this week and it ended up being harmless, I'm sure you'll be fine. I completely sympathize with the scariness though, it's hard to wait for the diagnosis. Dealing with this, I found that it's actually a fairly common thing that many women have. Hopefully this is what you're experiencing. Here is a link of what I had and it sounds like you may have as well:

Good luck with everything!

Posted by: Amber at April 5, 2006 9:50 AM

Everything will be fine - bodies are weird and unpredictable - and you will be scared untill things resolve but then everything will be fine. (It's so easy to say to someone else right?) I remember my big scare about 3 years ago where my doctor called me at the office to tell me that a routine exam came back not-so-normal and she was "concerned" and we had to do a (insert very unpleasant sounding and feeling procedure here) I don't know what happened...normally cool-level headed un-emotional office me turned into a bawling/crying with heaving shoulders sad sad quiet person.
Emotions are often uncontolled.
But then I was fine and you will be too.
I will tell my cats to meditate for you.

Posted by: Tiya at April 5, 2006 10:07 AM

I don't think I've seen that post, but what an idiot. You've got all the rights in the world to be personal...

Life is all about sharing - and thinking in your head all the time can only do damage. Let it out, do your mind good and put your body at ease.

I've had that same thing diagnosed myself. It will be fine. Don't allow your restless mind get your body thinking there might be something wrong with it. It's all in the head, and from what I've seen, you've got plenty of priceless things going on in there. Just think of all the goodness you bring into the lives of all these posters here :)

Good luck, Corie.

Posted by: Asli at April 5, 2006 10:40 AM

I hope everything works out, Corie. Give the cats a hug -- that always makes me feel better.

Posted by: Lydia at April 5, 2006 11:23 AM

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